In an announcement that managed to be both “groundbreaking” and oddly familiar, Sir Keir Starmer and Emmanuel Macron have unveiled a brand-new Channel migration deal, which essentially boils down to: you send us one, we send you another. Like a diplomatic version of Secret Santa, only with more paperwork and considerably less festive cheer.
According to Starmer — who spent most of the press conference channeling the energy of a geography teacher announcing a new seating plan — this “one in, one out” pilot scheme will deter small boat crossings by making them pointless. Or as pointless as risking your life in a dinghy ever was.
“For every migrant we send back,” said Starmer, with the crisp self-assurance of a man unveiling a feature on Microsoft Teams, “we’ll accept a completely different one from France — but only the legal, well-behaved sort who filled in the correct form, in triplicate, and never looked at Dover with intent.”
Macron, meanwhile, appeared to be doing his best impression of a man trying not to say “I told you so.” He diplomatically suggested that Brexit had, in fact, made Britain’s border controls about as effective as a colander in a rainstorm.
“You were told Europe was the problem,” he smirked, “but now we find the real issue is the Brexit-shaped solution.” One might say that’s a Macronism for: “You left the club and now want to borrow the bouncer.”
The pair jointly announced that the new pact will be rolled out “in weeks,” which — in diplomatic speak — means just in time for it to be quietly forgotten amid the autumn chaos of whatever comes next. They also clarified that only around 50 migrants per week will be sent back to France under the scheme — a number that manages to be both precise and hilariously insufficient.
Still, Starmer appeared unfazed by the mathematics. He insisted the new plan would send a clear message: that the UK is cracking down on illegal migration with “unprecedented intensity,” which presumably means at least one Home Office computer now functions without crashing.
The Prime Minister also assured the public that any jobs promised to migrants would “no longer exist,” thanks to a robust crackdown on illegal work. One imagines this came as news to the industries quietly powered by that very workforce — and possibly to several of his own backbenchers.
But the true gem of the day belonged to Macron, who managed to simultaneously scold, lecture, and forgive Britain in a single breath. “For the first time in nine years,” he declared, “we’re providing a real response.” Not a solution, mind you. Just a response. Baby steps.
So there you have it: a pilot scheme that promises to stem the tide by building a bridge of bureaucracy across the Channel — a sort of polite tug-of-war with people’s futures. Whether it works is anyone’s guess, but at least the press conference had flags, handshakes, and that indefinable aura of European exasperation.
God help the civil servants.
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