In a rare and touching display of judicial consistency, a Russian court has sentenced former Deputy Defence Minister Timur Ivanov to 13 years in prison for crimes that—up until now—had largely been considered perks of the job.
Ivanov, best known for overseeing military construction projects and single-handedly keeping Moscow’s luxury goods sector afloat, was convicted of embezzling nearly 4 billion rubles (roughly $50 million, or half a Russian oligarch’s yacht refuelling bill). The charges, described as “money laundering and fraud” by the court, came as a surprise to absolutely no one except, seemingly, Ivanov himself.
Observers say the conviction was a blow to Russia’s long-standing military tradition of creative accounting—an institution once considered more enduring than the Kremlin’s own stonework. “It’s a real setback for the lads,” said one anonymous source. “We all thought the only way you’d end up in a Russian prison for this sort of thing was if you accidentally said something nice about Ukraine.”
Ivanov’s lavish lifestyle became something of a spectator sport in Moscow circles, featuring everything from glitzy real estate portfolios to a collection of vintage cars—all acquired on a salary that, on paper, wouldn’t cover the monthly gas bill for one of them. His Instagram-worthy excesses were particularly well-timed, coinciding with televised images of Russian conscripts duct-taping body armour together at the front.
The case has also raised awkward questions for former Defence Minister Sergei Shoigu, a man whose job title now seems to change more frequently than the Russian army’s front lines. Shoigu has since been promoted sideways to head the Security Council—a role widely regarded as ‘retirement with extra paperwork.’
Despite the evidence, Ivanov maintains his innocence. His legal team says they plan to appeal, presumably once they’ve worked out how to get decent Wi-Fi through the prison walls.
Meanwhile, Kremlin officials continue to stress that the sentencing proves no one is above the law in Russia—a statement that would be considerably more convincing if it didn’t come immediately after giving Shoigu a new office and a bigger desk
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