In what one might generously call a press briefing and less generously call a live-action shrug, the White House attempted yesterday to unravel the latest round of bureaucratic backflips over the phantom that is the Epstein “client list.”
Once thought to be lurking somewhere beneath a government paperweight on Attorney General Pam Bondi’s desk – presumably nestled next to a novelty stress ball and a copy of How to Conduct an Investigation Without Really Trying – the fabled list now, it seems, never existed at all.
Cue Karoline Leavitt, Press Secretary and veteran of the ancient political art of saying a lot without saying anything. When pressed – quite literally – by Fox’s Peter Doocy, who had the gall to remember actual words that Bondi once said on actual television, Leavitt bravely deployed the oldest trick in the White House playbook: pretend it was about something else entirely.
“She meant all the paperwork,” Leavitt huffed, waving vaguely toward a spectral pile of Epstein-adjacent admin. Presumably this includes everything from asset seizures to receipts for the world’s sleaziest jet fuel.
So to clarify: the “client list” that was once “on my desk” is now simply “some paper,” and not, to be clear, a “list” of “clients.” That’s just what your ears thought they heard.
Meanwhile, a memo released by the DOJ and FBI concluded that Epstein definitely harmed more than a thousand victims, but—plot twist—definitely did not blackmail any powerful people. Nothing to see here, folks. Just a vast network of abuse with zero blackmail and absolutely no one of significance involved. It’s the most criminal criminal enterprise with the least criminal clientele in modern history.
The memo also insists Epstein died by suicide, the Justice Department has nothing more to share, and we should all just trust them and move along. Again.
Naturally, the conspiracy contingent is having a field day. Laura Loomer wants Bondi fired, Alex Jones is frothing into the abyss, and Elon Musk is tweeting about paedophile counters as though he’s hosting some sort of depraved game show.
The White House, for its part, seems entirely unbothered. Leavitt, having wrapped her turn at the podium with a shrug that could power a small village, floated off to the next reality adjustment.
As for the list? It’s like Narnia. Or Atlantis. Or an honest politician. It only exists if you believe.
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