By Our Maritime Misfortune Correspondent
In a dazzling display of better-late-than-never policing, British authorities have seized 2.4 metric tons of cocaine at London Gateway port—described as the sixth-largest haul since the government started bothering to keep count.
The shipment, worth an estimated £96 million (or €112 million or $132 million for overseas investors and cartel accountants), was discovered after specialist officers spent most of the afternoon playing “Guess Which Container Has the Drugs” with 37 large shipping crates.
The ship, fresh from Panama—famous for its canal, hats, and now global cocaine exports—had done its best to conceal the stash beneath layers of innocent-looking cargo. An approach described by police sources as “ambitious but ultimately doomed.”
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Border Farce
Charlie Eastaugh, Director of UK Border Force Maritime and part-time Master of Stating the Bleeding Obvious, announced the seizure was:
“Just one example of how dedicated Border Force maritime officers remain one step ahead of the criminal gangs who threaten our security.”
(Though, as with most government statements, it’s unclear whether “one step ahead” refers to tactical superiority or simply being awake at the right time.)
Eastaugh went on to boast about “international co-operation and intelligence-led operations”, widely understood in Whitehall to mean “someone tipped us off and we got lucky.”
Meanwhile, the criminals behind the shipment are believed to be furiously refreshing LinkedIn for career change inspiration.
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Coke and Dagger
This seizure follows February’s even larger 5.7-tonne bust at Southampton—when cocaine allegedly destined for Hamburg was intercepted, much to the dismay of Germany’s nightclub economy.
Statistically, cocaine-related deaths in England and Wales rose 31% between 2022 and 2023, as Britain continues its long-standing campaign to become Europe’s most regrettable night out.
A spokesperson from the National Crime Agency confirmed the UK is now one of Europe’s largest cocaine markets. They did not clarify whether they meant in volume, value, or sheer enthusiasm.
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Shipping Forecast: White Powder, Chance of Arrests
Container ships remain the drug traffickers’ method of choice, partly due to their capacity and partly due to the fact no one has yet invented Uber for Cocaine.
No arrests were made at the time of writing, though Home Office insiders say several suspects are now experiencing “career-limiting conversations” with their supervisors.
Border Force officials say they will continue to “disrupt and dismantle” criminal networks, although critics note that in many cases, the gangs seem to be rebuilding faster than the government can dismantle them.
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Quote of the Week:
“Our message to these criminals is clear: keep sending record-breaking shipments so we can put out more press releases.”
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Next Week:
“Customs Unveil Plan to Stop Drugs by Checking Absolutely Everything, Starting 2027.”
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