In a bold new move that definitely won’t backfire, Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson has suggested that Britons consider having more children—preferably sooner, and ideally without thinking too hard about their bank balance, career prospects, or general will to live.
Citing the latest stats from the Office for National Statistics, which show that fertility rates in England and Wales have dropped to a record low of 1.44 children per woman (or roughly one child and a houseplant), Phillipson warned of “worrying repercussions” if people don’t get busy.
“This is not just a data problem,” she explained, “it’s a heartbreaking story about dashed dreams.” Though to be fair, anyone who’s ever tried to buy a house, pay for nursery, or survive on maternity pay in 2025 could probably have written that story already.
Ms Phillipson, speaking to the Daily Telegraph, acknowledged that young people are understandably hesitant about starting families, thanks to such minor inconveniences as spiralling mortgage rates, astronomical childcare costs, and a general sense that Britain is now one long episode of Survivor set in a Lidl car park.
But fear not! The Government’s latest plan involves giving working parents of nine-month-olds up to 30 hours of free childcare a week… by September… provided you still meet all the right criteria and don’t blink during the online application window.
“This is about freedom and choice,” Phillipson said, helpfully reminding people that the freedom in question is mostly the freedom to choose between paying rent or buying nappies.
To sweeten the deal, Labour has promised 4,000 new childcare places from September—roughly one place per every 250 panicked parents currently refreshing the council website.
Meanwhile, experts predict a modest rise in the birth rate in 2026, followed by an even sharper rise in parental burnout, midweek gin sales, and passive-aggressive WhatsApp messages about nursery waiting lists.
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