In yet another proud moment for the British broadcasting elite, Gregg “cheeky chappy” Wallace has reportedly been removed from MasterChef after a growing number of women and, more worryingly for Gregg, witnesses accused him of behaviour best described as “Gregg Wallace.”
Baroness Helena Kennedy, who chairs the Creative Industries Independent Standards Authority (a name so long it must be serious), advised Wallace not to imply that 50 people simultaneously hallucinated the same trousers-dropping incident. This, she said, might hinder his inevitable comeback tour of light entertainment and tepid lasagne.
Wallace—who has always styled himself as a “man of the people” (presumably the sort who shouldn’t be allowed near people)—claimed the inquiry cleared him of the “most serious” allegations. Sadly, he didn’t specify which were merely mildly horrifying.
In the wake of this, Wallace took to Instagram, the traditional stronghold of justice, to insist he’d been “cancelled for convenience” and likened the situation to a public hanging—presumably by his own trousers, which by all accounts were often missing.
Among the charming accusations:
- Inappropriately touching women during dinner, because apparently that’s just how the veg boys roll.
- Groping at a ball, which is not what “black tie” means.
- Dropping his trousers in dressing rooms twice, as if once wasn’t legally adventurous enough.
- Grabbing a student’s bottom while posing for a photo, truly capturing the essence of BBC nostalgia.
One woman described the behaviour as “disgusting and predatory,” though Wallace insists it was merely “part of the character” he was hired to play. A character that sounds increasingly like a gas leak in a supermarket.
Wallace’s employers, meanwhile, are adopting the traditional approach of TV management: issuing firm-sounding statements while waiting for public attention to drift back to Bake Off.
But the real star of this mess? Wallace’s own quote:
“I was hired as the cheeky greengrocer. A real person with warmth, character, rough edges and all.”
Sadly, it seems the “rough edges” were other people’s boundaries.
In a final flourish of defiance, Wallace declared:
“I will not go quietly.”
Many in the industry, especially those in HR, are now just hoping he’ll go.
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