Pope thanks donors for supporting his first steps… and the Vatican’s overdraft.
VATICAN CITY – In a heartwarming display of spiritual reflection and light financial panic, Pope Leo XIV marked his first major feast day this week by encouraging Catholics worldwide to dig deep—ideally into their wallets—to help plug a Vatican-sized hole in the Holy See’s bank balance.
The Pope, formerly known as “that guy from Chicago with a maths degree,” presided over Mass in St Peter’s Basilica while Vatican accountants quietly refreshed their online banking screens in the background.
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Swipe Up for Salvation
In a bold departure from tradition (and taste), the Vatican has rolled out a multi-platform donation drive featuring videos, posters, QR codes, websites, and the sort of upbeat messaging usually reserved for late-night charity telethons or underfunded university drama departments.
Worshippers are now encouraged to donate via credit card, PayPal, bank transfer, or old-school post office slip, with the Holy See marketing team leaning heavily into emotional language about “supporting the Pope’s first steps”—as if His Holiness were taking part in a sponsored toddler walk for charity.
The promotional video features slow-motion shots of Pope Leo looking soulful, set to a swelling soundtrack that sounds suspiciously like royalty-free YouTube music titled “Inspiring Moments #4.”
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A Tradition of Generosity… and Property Deals
The Vatican hopes this year’s drive will fill a reported €50-60 million budget hole, caused by the usual mix of global economic instability, declining church attendance, and what experts describe as “some really questionable investment choices involving London real estate and blind optimism.”
For those worried their donations might accidentally fund the Holy See’s next ill-advised commercial venture, Vatican officials were keen to stress that “new financial controls” are now in place. While details of these controls remain as vague as ever, sources close to the Pope insist “there’s definitely a spreadsheet somewhere.”
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The Numbers (And The Creative Accounting)
Last year, Peter’s Pence donations reportedly hit €54 million, up from previous years—but unfortunately still short of what’s needed to cover the Vatican’s ongoing running costs, property mishaps, and the small matter of a €1 billion pension shortfall (which, according to insiders, is now listed under “Future Pope’s Problem – Do Not Open”).
A spokesperson for the Vatican’s Economy Ministry said:
“This is a concrete way to support the Holy Father’s mission, spread the Gospel, and keep the lights on until at least next Easter.”
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Closing Thoughts
As Mass ended, Pope Leo offered heartfelt thanks to everyone supporting his “first steps.” Unclear whether he meant his papal ministry… or his slow shuffle towards Vatican solvency.
Either way, Catholics everywhere are being reminded:
“Every little helps… especially when your central bank is a gift shop and a coin collection.”
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