In yet another blow to bald truth and follicular integrity, Athletic Club’s Yeray Álvarez has tested positive for what UEFA politely refers to as a “banned substance,” and what the rest of us might call desperation in a pill.
The incident occurred following a Europa League semifinal against Manchester United — a match remembered less for its football and more for Yeray’s heroic attempts to mark both his man and his receding hairline.
According to Yeray, the substance was “accidentally ingested” via a hair loss medication he’s been using since overcoming testicular cancer — a detail the club were quick to highlight, in case anyone felt like booing a cancer survivor. Which, of course, nobody is. Not even UEFA. (Probably.)
“I’ve never taken anything banned,” claimed the defender, who presumably still hopes we’ll believe it’s just the shampoo that’s performance-enhancing. He posted a heartfelt note on social media which managed, impressively, to combine the tone of a pharmaceutical pamphlet with the drama of a Netflix docuseries.
Athletic Club released their own statement shortly after, bravely condemning the event as a “human error,” which is code for Yeray didn’t read the label and now we’re all knee-deep in lawyered-up conditioner.
As the disciplinary process crawls forward in strict confidentiality (i.e., behind a curtain made of red tape), Yeray has been suspended. Presumably not from the dressing room mirror, where his follicles continue to be closely monitored.
The real tragedy, of course, is that in the modern game — where players openly endorse gambling sites, crypto scams and hair transplant clinics — it’s still the anti-balding pills that get you benched.
Athletic fans have rallied behind him, because nothing says loyalty like defending a man’s right to both centre-back and centre-parting.
We await UEFA’s ruling, though it’s likely to be a fine, a warning, or perhaps mandatory use of the club barber.
Meanwhile, one can only hope that Yeray’s career recovers faster than his hairline.
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